Are You Helping Yourself or Hiding Out?

Starving when I walk in the door, I quickly change into my cozy grey DePaul t-shirt, and black Lululemon yoga pants, then head for the kitchen.  In search of a quick fix for my hunger, I look for anything that I can prepare in 5 minutes or less.  Mindlessly I devour my food while standing in the kitchen.  Then I head for living room.  I melt into my oversized green chair, put my feet up on the ottoman and relax with my TV.  It is a familiar routine; up early, home late.  Exhausted.  When I am home I look for a much needed break from thinking about my next “need to dos” after another hectic 10 hour day.  I want to escape the nonstop part of my life for a while.

We all have ways in which we choose to mindlessly escape the world.  Every day we are sent endless messages that encourage us to engage in temporary fixes that claim to make our life easier and better.  During the most busy times of my life, I recall rewarding myself in a variety of ways.  I choose the drama on television to escape the real stuff in my life.  I watched chic flicks on a Saturday afternoon when I felt too tired to do anything else.  When I felt stressed I found relief in food or a diet coke and a few too many cocktails on occasion.  The ease of “take out” often trumped eating healthy when the last thing I had the energy to do at the end of a day was cook and then clean up.  Sometimes I would go shopping and buy myself clothes, purses, and shoes that I didn’t need.  These were my rewards for working too way to much and they often ended up in a garage sale or donated to charity barely used.  Does any of this sound familiar?  If so read on.

We all need breaks, especially when life gets hectic.  My “solutions” described above provided a temporary release.   After a while these coping mechanisms took over my free time.  Tuning out became an excessive ritual and I started to loose touch with myself.  I felt numb or indifferent instead alive and excited about each day.  When I realized my actions were blocking me from the life I wanted and messing with my health, I chose to tune back in.

First I determined which of my habits served me better as exceptions instead of the norm.  I looked for the best and most healthy ways to be in relationship with myself.  As I started to make healthier choices with my time, I found myself engaging in activities that made me feel more alive.  Cutting back on my TV consumption gave me time to read the books on my shelf and the magazines that had been piling up.  Taking classes allowed me to explore something new and gave me a reason to get my out of the office at a decent hour.  Hiring a personal trainer provided motivation to get to the gym.  Deciding to hike the Grand Canyon for charity literally changed my life.  Raising money for a great cause,  discovering new places and getting exercise appealed to me because my free time was limited and this met many of my “want tos”.  Through this I met interesting people that became life long friends.  Our conversations opened my mind to new possibilities which led me to my amazing husband among other things.  When I reconnected with myself  and got out of my own way, I became healthier and happier.

How are you spending your down time?  Are your rituals serving your best interests and helping you move forward or are they simply filling your time and keeping your situation the same?  I hope that you make time to do the things that will help you move forward toward your dreams.

Action Ideas & Tips:

First Step… Assess Your Current Situation:

Look at your coping mechanisms.  Recognize how you escape the world and how it makes you feel.  Think about not only the short term benefits but also realize how your actions are impacting you in the long term.  Are you zoning out too much, too little or for just the right amount of time?  Are you finding yourself saying life is ok or frickin’ fabulous?  

Second Step… Determine What Changes You Want To Make:

When you think about your goals and aspirations, will continuing to do what you are doing help you get where you want to go?   What makes you happy and rejuvenates you?  What do you want to start doing?  What do you want to stop doing?   Of the things you want to continue, do you want to spend the same amount of time doing them?  

Third… Set Yourself Up for Success:

Start by making small changes and build on them.  You do not need to take everything on at once.  The most effective way to break a habit is to replace it with a new one.  When you look at something you want to change, what would be a more helpful way to spend your time?

Don’t delay on taking action until when (FILL IN YOUR EXCUSE).   I have listed a few ideas above that worked for me or but there are many many more options to try.  Everyone is unique and it may take a few attempts to figure it out.   I suggest you pilot new things until you find what works best for you.  

Start taking action today or you may find yourself in the same place next year. 

What Inspires Your Mind and Makes Your Heart Leap?

If your mind is searching for clues to answer this question you are not alone.  Often people are unable to answer this simple question because they are living in what I call “survival mode”.  I happen to be a master at operating in survival mode as I have spent years living in it.   Even today I occasionally  get caught in a wave that tugs me back in that direction.  What I have learned is that when your day to day revolves around chasing your next have to it is not uncommon to feel numb and/or uninspired by your life.

Survival mode is usually sparked by a life changing planned or unplanned event.  It could have been caused by the birth of a child, an ill parent, you starting a new job or possibly your own  business.   It could be a combination of many things; there are endless possibilities.  Whatever happened it seriously disrupted your day to day life.  Maybe it felt like a tsunami, or maybe little by little, the time you spent taking care of your physical, mental and social needs evaporated.

When you are living in survival mode, often, you are neglecting important areas of your life (your health, your career, personal life… what ever it may be).  However in most moments all your energy is focused on getting through the day.  When you wake up in in survival mode it is not uncommon that you immediately leap into action, worried about how you will get it all done.  Even if little to none of your have to’s excite you, the stress propels you forward.

The most side serious effect of survival mode is that your life begins not to resemble you.  Your needs and desires stop being met and you no longer feel inspired or excited about how you spend your time.  Even a simple question, like What do you do for fun?, becomes difficult to answer.   If the people around you (work, significant other, kids, etc… ) are clear about what they want and are trying to fulfill their needs they may be looking for your help.  It is easy to say yes to them, without realizing that this may mean that you are saying no to you.  The times that you feel frustrated and even resentful can be softened with the satisfaction that comes from helping others.  One of the perks of being needed is that it may help you avoid the unknown.  You can claim, with reason, that you do not have time to think about it and/or make changes.

If you resonate with what I am talking about you have a choice.  You can continue to live in survival mode or find ways to break free.  Survival mode is not a life long sentence.  If you cannot connect to your needs and desires it is nearly impossible to get them met.  The cycle of filling other peoples needs and your life not moving forward will continue.  Living in survival mode for an extended period of time means that you are helping others live their life and forgetting to live your own.  Are you ready to start living your live again?  If you need a reminder, please know that you deserve to love your life!

Action Ideas & Tips:

Are you ready to re-connect with what inspires your mind and makes your heart leap?  

1)  Make Regular Appoints with Yourself

Make yourself a priority.  Put time on your calendar to give your mind breathing space.  It may be helpful to decide that during this time you will do something that is relaxing and adopt the airline take off policy, turning off anything that has a power switch or battery.  Eliminating distractions allows us to tune into ourselves.  

A few ideas… go for a run, take a bath, read a book, meditate or paint. 

2)  Start Asking Yourself Questions 

If you wanted to get to know another person you would ask them questions and listen intently to their answers.  You can get to know yourself by asking questions like the ones below and exploring where that takes your thoughts.  Record this in some way.

A few ideas to record your thoughts… write in a journal, record yourself in audio or type the answers on your computer.

A few questions to get you started…  What did you do for fun before?  What energizes you?  What do you miss most about your life?

3) Take Yourself Out 

Make plans to go out with yourself.  Explore something that interests you to see how you like it.  When things get hectic, it is easy to push your needs aside and that is where accountability can help show how committed you are. There are many studies that show when people have something financial at stake they are much more likely to follow through.  If you want to work out and are having problems getting your butt to the gym, hiring a trainer can increase your commitment level.

A few ideas…  take a class, commit to donating to a cause you don’t agree with if you don’t meet your deadline or consider hiring a coach.

~ Something to Think About ~

 If You Don’t Know Where You’re Going, Any Path Will Do.  

                                                                                                  ~ Poignant advice from the Cheshire Cat in Alice in Wonderland

Hope for Holiday Sadness

December 6, 1981.  There was deep sadness in my moms eyes when she woke me up and, trying not to cry, delivered the news that my brother Pat had been in an accident.  He didn’t make it.  I was twelve and my mind didn’t want to believe what she was saying.  Am I am still dreaming?  There must be some mistake!… were the thoughts I wanted to believe.  He was weeks away from coming home from his first semester in college to celebrate the holidays.

How do you celebrate any holiday when there is a hole in your heart and at your table?  That was 30 years ago and I still miss him.  I often wonder what Pat would be like and how life would be different if that drunk driver would have been smart enough to take a cab or drive home with a friend.  It took a while to come to terms with the fact that nothing could change what happened… I could not bring him back.  I believe the last thing he would want is for me to be sad that he is not physically here.

How do you handle loss as well as move on?  Birthdays, anniversaries and holidays are the consistent reminders that heighten your awareness of what you are already missing.  Although you can not change the past you can choose how you want to react to it.  Do you want to pretend it doesn’t bother you even though it does? Do you want to sink deeper into the sadness?  Or do you want to find positive ways to wake up from the nightmare that has become your reality?  Do you feel you can’t talk to people about it without being a downer?  Do you not know who to talk to because you don’t know who will understand?  Losing someone you are close to can leave an awkward gap that can leave you feeling uncertain about how to move on.

I wanted to know how to keep Pat close to my heart, honor him and feel good about moving on.  I knew people who went to grave sites to visit their loved ones, but I found this uncomfortable and more depressing.  It was a relief to learn there is no right way to remember someone.  It allowed me to discover alternate ways to express my feelings in ways that felt comfortable and meaningful to me.

A few questions that may help you find your path… What did this person want for you?  Before Pat left for college, he told me that I was never to even try a drug and warned if I did he would find out and kick my butt.  I promised him I would not and to honor his memory I never did.   What did this person do to make you feel special? It is often the small gestures that make the biggest impact, it could be as simple as being diligent about staying in contact.  How can you give to others what your loved one gave to you?   If you loved going over to their house, you may choose to create an environment that others love to visit.    Are there places you can go to remember the good times you had together?  We donated money to a park near our home in memory of Pat.  It was easier for me to visit and remember him in a positive environment filled with laughter.  Is there something you can do to help others avoid what happened to your loved one?  Maybe you could donate money to a cause or create an new environment that will help others.

Whatever you decide… I believe it is important to acknowledge that it is ok and normal to miss people as well as realize there are people you can talk to and people to whom you can express your feelings.  When you find uplifting ways remember and honor people it can allow you to move forward and enjoy life.  With all my heart I believe it is what our loved ones would want us to do.

What Lights You Up?

Driving down the street during the holidays and seeing the trees glistening immediately boosts my mood.  I wanted to continually surround myself with this feeling so I added a small tree to our bedroom and my office.  It is one of the simple and effective ways I brighten my days with a burst of positive energy.  I find that it is really the little things that make a big difference.

Is there a song that you can’t resist to singing along to, or better yet one that inspires a dance break?  Do you have a inspirational or calming CD you can pop in between shopping stops or when you find yourself sitting in traffic?  Would a holiday movie help relax you as you wrap all those presents?

It can be a busy time of year, which means it is an even more important to find things that help keep you sane.  What lights you up?   What little things make you feel connected and bring you joy?  What will bring you happiness when you are starting to feel stressed?  How can you surround yourself with small triggers that make you smile?

Experiment with something and let me know how it goes!